Not to be insensitive, but I always thought coming out of the closet was trite, for myself anyway. I get that for some people it’s really important and significant. However in regards to myself I felt it was cliché and unnecessary.

I’ve known I was gay for as long as I can remember. I can remember watching TV and thinking Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Devon Sawa were SO FINE. It’s the reason I stole my cousin’s VHS tape of Wild America, and it’s also the reason I know without out a doubt that being gay is genetic. It’s not a choice. If it were a choice I would have been openly pining over Alicia Silverstone, and not secretly swooning for Paul Rudd. I was obsessed with the movie, but I was by no means clueless.

Anyway, as for most teens, specifically the gay ones, grade school was miserable. I think I had a new set of guy friends every year, because most of them realized being friends with the gay kid hurt their popularity.

I just need to add that I’m not complaining. It wasn’t right that I was bullied. It has negatively impacted my life. However I can see how it positively affected me too. It is what it is. The world would be a much better if bullies didn’t exist. Any behavior is automatically wrong when a possible outcome is a kid killing himself. Though I will say that most of my favorite people, including myself, are bullying survivors. We are brilliant, resilient, funny, fabulous people.

I also need to be specific in that I was never physically bullied. Another kid never assaulted me. I am thankful for that; though I have a feeling if anyone stepped to me in 5th grade I could have easily cleaned his clock. Anyway, I just wanted to be accepted and for people to like me. I wanted true friendship, and that’s why I just took the verbal abuse. It did not occur to me until junior year that all the people that treated me like shit were not friend-worthy, and also that I could easily give it back to them. The thing is if I wasn’t being bullied, I was being treated like I didn’t exist. Being inconsequential allowed me to overhear a lot of stuff. So when Stacey called me a fat faggot, I let the whole class know that she let four guys gang-bang her while her parents were away. It wasn’t right, but I was taking some power back.

Meanwhile I was being bullied at home too. My cousins called me gay, and a fag a lot. Specifically my cousin Kyle. I was also picked on a lot by my mom’s boyfriend. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 5. I love my dad, and my mom, but I welcomed their divorce. I can remember asking them, “When are you getting divorced?” I was watching Coach, and they had just come home from couples counseling. I remember my Dad saying, “I don’t know.”

Anyway, they split up when I was very young, and immediately my mom started dating a twenty-year-old named Murray. At first Murray seemed really fun and nice, but I think that’s because he bought me nerf guns and took me to the arcade. My affection was easily bought back in the day. Unfortunately Murray turned out to be a mean son of a bitch. He was verbally abusive to my mom and I. He could also be physically violent to both of us. One time he threw me into a bed frame. Another time he picked me up off the ground by my hair. He also kicked a pan at me once. It was a very large restaurant pan full of coagulated beef drippings. Not fun. He called me gay, fag, pussy, Bo Peep among other things.

I am telling you all of these things to explain the deep insecurity I felt about my sexual orientation. I want people to know all of the things that can lead people to lie about themselves for a long time.

Eventually my mom dumped Murray. Kicking him out of our house is one of my favorite memories of all time. We literally threw his furniture out on the front lawn. I think I can remember it so well, because it was honestly one of the most cathartic moments in my life.

From all of the horrible memories I just unleashed upon you, you might consider my mother to be a bad person, but she is not. Honestly her bad taste in men was her only inauspicious quality. My mom is kind, forgiving, honest, and accepting. She always told my sister and I that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and that she would always love us no matter what. If you’re a parent, and you feel that way it is really important to make sure you kids know that. Trust me! Don’t inundate them with it, but mentioning it every once a while is critical regardless if they happen to be gay or not. My mother’s explicit and unconditional love has always meant the world to me.

That leads me to one of my dad’s bad quality. He is the opposite of explicit. His fatherly affection is subtle, if not vague. Expressing himself is not his strong suit. He’d much rather does something to show you how much he cares than say it. It confused the hell out of me as a kid, but I get it now. He’s also improved upon his implicit nature in his old age.

I needed to tell you all of that to explain why it took me so damn long to not care about people knowing about me. Because of people like my mother telling me that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, I never felt like I was going to hell. I never felt like I was going to be disowned. However I did feel like it was another reason for people to dislike me. The constant picking during my childhood has made me feel like an insecure mess my entire life. It’s not just from being gay. It’s also from being overweight. Though I could never hide my girth, so I learned how to deal with that. I always felt like if people knew I was gay it would be another reason to dislike me. It leads me to push away so many people. My other issue is that if someone knows I’m gay, and someone still like’s me, I have no excuse to push them away. Fear of intimacy is what it all boils down to.

Over the past year I have slowly come to the conclusion that I need to get over it, and I realized that it was not going to happen until I stopped being dishonest. I haven’t explicitly lied about my sexuality in a really long time. Some time ago I decided that if I stopped saying I was straight that people would just assume I was gay and leave me alone. I was totally “out” at work. The problem was that I was making friends with people that knew I was gay, and it made me really anxious to think about my friends that did know to meet my friends and family that didn’t know. Eventually I figure out that it was just silly. Being out in the real world and experiencing people that didn’t like me because I am gay was not that devastating. It turns out I myself don’t like homophobes anyway. So what was the big deal?

Opinions will always matter to me. Opinions are significant to everyone. Humans will always care what other humans think of them. The thing is, the people who are emotionally relevant to your life typically don’t base their opinions on whom you hold hands with, kiss, or love. At least they shouldn’t, and if they do I recommend eradicating them from your life. Everyone judges, it’s just that good people judge you on what you say and do. Good people love you for you are, and at worst despite of whom you are. I think we are doing young people a disservice if we do not let them know that.

I have two affirmations that I think of when I feel like I’m being unfairly judged. The first is, “never let the bastards get you down.” People that judge you unfairly are good-for-nothing scalawags that are not worth your time! Time is precious. Don’t waste it on people who do not wish you well. The second is, “people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind don’t matter.” Those that concern themselves with the things you cannot control should be treated insignificantly. Cherish the people that cherish you for who you are.

I think the message behind the It Gets Better campaign is fantastic. Letting people know that they are not alone in their plight can never be a bad thing. You can’t go wrong with empathy and compassion on your side. I do think it’s overly simplistic in its optimism. Yes, sometimes life does get better on it’s own. But more times that not life can only get better if you make it get better. You can only flourish by being proactive. Well-being can’t happen to you. You have to make it happen.

If there are people in your life that are treating you badly, you have to get rid of them. Even if it’s family. I firmly believe that you have to teach people the way you want to be treated. Making someone feel bad for who they are is unacceptable behavior, so don’t accept it. It can be especially hard if it’s family, but think about what family is. If you define family as the close people that support and love you unconditional of your traits, then a nasty aunt or an insufferable father is NOT your family. Who knows? They might learn something, and they’ll have you to thank.

As for the supporters, you’re fabulous. However some of you are not behaving like fabulous people. If you feel like they’re is nothing wrong with being gay, then stop using “gay” pejoratively. Just say stupid, or dumb. We shouldn’t use words like gay, or retarded as negative adjectives. Why? Because it’s fucking hurtful, that’s why. When you call someone dumb, you’re only insulting that person. Yet when you insult someone by calling him or her gay, you’re not just insulting that specific person, but you’re also insulting every gay person. Is that your intention? If it is, then you’re a dick, but at least you’re saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If not, then use a different word. We have a robust beautiful language abounding with insulting words that will only offend the intended person. Use one of those!

Also, stop hanging out with homophobes. I said earlier that you have to teach people the way you want to be treated. Well you also have to teach people the way you want people to treat other people. Even one step further you have to teach people the hypothetical way you would want to be treated. Think about it. Hypothetically if you were gay, how would you want people to treat you? That’s what you should teach other people. It’s all a part of empathy. We should all strive for that level of emotional intelligence. If your church says homosexuals are evil, and you don’t think that’s true, then find a different church. If your cousin thinks all black people are drug addicts and criminals, and you know that’s not true, then don’t spend time with your cousin. It is hard to change people’s opinions by arguing. But you can teach people respect and tolerance with your behavior. Not giving someone your time makes a statement.

I get it. Awareness can be exhausting. Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to consider everything we think, feel, do, or say. Yet as humans we have a need to be close to other humans. Some of us are the same in many way, and different in many ways. When we have differences we have a choice: to respect and tolerate those differences or to undermine and oppose those differences. You will only build good meaningful earnest relationships with respect and tolerance. That is a fact. That is civility. Without it, who are we?